Dear Mom I dreamed of you

Dear Mom I dreamed of you,

I had one of those nights where I dreamed of you and then in the morning as I was drinking my tea I had this notion that you were still here. You know that feeling you get after a particularly vivid dream? Where your head is still trying to sort out what is real and what was just part of the dream?

I started to talk. Staring out the window into the backyard I imagined you were sitting at the bar right behind me. That feeling of you being in the room was still fresh from the dream. We smiled and laughed and I wanted to hug you, but I dared not turn around for fear the feeling would vanish. After awhile the feeling I had that I was talking to you kind of faded into a feeling that I was just staring out a window talking to myself. At that moment I longed to fall back to sleep and to have the dream again.

I was remembering a poem that made me think of you.

Longing

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For then the night will more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Come, as thou cam'st a thousand times,
A messenger from radiant climes,
And smile on thy new world, and be
As kind to others as to me!

Or, as thou never cam'st in sooth
Come now, and let me dream it truth;
And part my hair, and kiss my brow,
And say; My love! why sufferest thou?

Come to me in my dreams, and then
By day I shall be well again!
For then the night shall more than pay
The hopeless longing of the day.

Mathew Arnold 1822-1888

Love Mike

Dear Mom I talk to stuffed animals

Dear Mom, I talk to stuffed animals

Claire came up to me a few weeks ago and asked me if her stuffed camel Alice was real. I tried to explain “Alice is real in the sense Alice loves her and she loves Alice too.” “Alice misses her when she is gone just as she misses Alice when she is gone.” And indeed it is very true. There are few things in the world more lonely than a small stuffed camel perched on a step in the entryway waiting for her girl to come home. I walk up the stairs and see Alice waiting patiently with the stalwart intention of not moving an inch till Claire returns. “She’ll be back on Sunday night” I console her.

On Sunday night Claire will come through the door give me a big hug then reach for Alice. Once safely tucked under her arm she will then proceed to lesser things on her agenda. “Do you want to play legos?” “I am hungry” “Wouldn’t some ice cream be delicious right now daddy?”

While we are eating our ice cream she asks me “Did Alice miss me when I was gone?”
“Yes she did, I missed you too.”
“And I missed you Daddy.”
I turn to Alice, “I told you she’d be back on Sunday.”

In some way I am sure that before I had a daughter there is no way I would talk to a stuffed animal with a straight face.

Love Mike

Dear Mom, I ate lunch with Claire today

Dear Mom, I ate lunch with Claire today at her school

One of my stay-at-home-dad buddies told me that at his daughter’s school they not only allowed, but encouraged parents to come in and eat lunch with their kids. I called up Claire’s school and had the same experience. They were delighted to have me come out. I just signed in, put on a visitor tag, then waited outside her class for the kids to go to lunch. Pretty soon they started out the door all in a line, well what line you could expect from a bunch of five year olds. “Stand on the yellow line next to the wall.” Her teacher exclaimed. The kids filed out in their five year old style line and took their places next to the wall.

Claire shouted “Daddy!” hesitating for a bit not sure she should get out of line, but her teacher kindly pushed her toward me and we had a big hug and a kiss. Turning to one of her little friends, “This is my Daddy.” She said excitedly.

“Are you going to eat lunch with me today?” She had the biggest smile on her face, I thought this might be a treat and the lady at the desk assured me it was, but she was definitely excited beyond my expectations.

“Yes, I am.” I gave her another big hug. “Where do we stand.” I asked, as I looked around at the five year old chaos that was assembling in the hall.

There was a bit of rearranging while all the mozzarella stick kids were put in the same place, and all the pizza kids were in the same place and all the lunch box kids were in the back. Her teacher explained to the children, in a way that seemed she did it every day, they all needed to be in their place to insure they would have time to eat all their food, and make room for the next class as they went through.

We started down the hall holding hands, every time someone looked our way Claire would explain, “This is my Daddy.” Another boy walked up beside me and grabbed my other hand. I guess holding hands with a daddy is pretty cool when you are five years old, even if it is not your own daddy.

Her teacher explained how everyone needed to use some hand sanitizer and they lined up and individually reached up on the wall for some hand sanitizer from the dispenser. I wanted to explain to Claire that gel sanitizer had been found to be superior to the foam they were using, but realized it would likely be lost on her young ears and besides did I expect them to change out the dispensers?

Our talking with each other had somehow got us out of line. Her teacher pushed her along and explained how it was important to stay in your place in line so we can all eat together. I tried to apologize but I am pretty sure that was not the point of the explanation. I am pretty sure it is easier to explain to the five year old than to the parent.

“What are we having?” I asked her. “PIZZA!” she exclaimed, we took our trays of pizza from a counter and started down the line toward the vegetable server. She carefully scooped up some corn and tried to put it on her tray. She spilled the first scoop and moved on to try again. I was imagining that five year olds spilled a lot. A lunch lady was standing near the wall though I did not see a washcloth or a broom nearby. Another lunch lady placed a potato cake on the try, then on to the salad counter. I little bit of salad and the plate was looking full. She had the option to have a fruit salad or lettuce and chose lettuce. Either would have been fine but I had a little bit of pride that she wanted a regular salad. I was thinking “My work here is done.” I have a kid that likes real vegetables. Well, she also likes corn and potato cakes, but really who doesn’t.

The last cart in the line had deserts. Cookies, ice cream, etc. I was not sure how it worked, it appeared there was an extra charge for them, Claire stopped at the counter but didn’t take anything though her fingers played over the shelf once or twice as if picking something out. I would have to find out how that worked.

Just then the boy in front of us tipped his tray a little too much and his tomato soup spilled onto the floor then his milk carton following it to the ground. He stood there as five year olds are prone to do. Deciding if he had accumulated enough knowledge to make a decision about this himself. He put his tray on the ground for a moment then picked it back up and decided to call for his teacher. I picked up his milk carton and wiped it off with the napkins I was carrying, “There you go kiddo.” He proceeded down the line. The teacher showed up as I was wiping up the last of the tomato soup. I wasn’t sure if I should do this but watching five year olds tramp through tomato soup seemed like a really bad idea. By the time the lunch lady showed up the mess was gone.

Each child had their own code to type in to a little box. Claire stepped up. I could tell she was under a little pressure. She didn’t look over her shoulder but I was sure she knew I was watching. She hesitantly typed in her number. I did not know what it was exactly but I had seen it enough to know that was not it. She hit enter and, FAIL. Ooops. A teacher standing behind her now placed a little sheet of paper with her name and number next to the machine. “Here you go Claire, now type this in.” I could tell she was disappointed she did not get it on her first try, but she dutifully typed in her number a second time. While she did this I paid the cashier for my lunch.

“Where do we go now?” I asked her making sure she knew she was in charge of the seating arrangements. She directed me toward the lunch tables and carefully picked out a place that had two seats available. There are few feelings you get like sitting down on a very low seat with your knees touching the table top. Claire introduced me to every child at the table, “This is my Daddy. This is my Daddy. This is my Daddy.”

“Mmmmm.” I said, “This is yummy.” Elementary school food is not known for its culinary excellence but it made no sense to let this on to my five year old. First she ate her corn then she impaled her potato cake with her fork and ate it much like a Popsicle. A few bites of lettuce and it was time to concentrate on the pizza. It was obvious very quickly she was not going to be able to cut it up. “Eat it like this.” I said, picking up my pizza and taking a bite. She tried this for a couple bites but decided either the pizza was not up to her highly tuned pizza taste standards or it was too difficult to eat.

The table across from us was getting served cupcakes. She said “I want a cupcake!” I pointed out I thought they were for the other class but she did not give up hope. “A cupcake would be really good.” I have no doubt she was correct but indeed the cupcakes were for the other class. Disappointed she accepted she was not getting a cupcake today, though she pointed out it was someone’s birthday today. She pointed to him and he did have an “It’s my birthday” button. I am sure if his parents knew how all the other kids parents sent cupcakes on their birthday, they would be feeling pretty small right now. I made a note to send really cool cupcakes on her birthday. Since hers was in the Summer it would be celebrated on her half birthday.

It was time to leave so she escorted me to the tray counter where we dumped our trash in a trashcan and left our trays on the counter. The trashcan was over the counter and the five year olds had to stand on tiptoes and lean over the counter to turn over their trays. Most of the trash made it into the can.

Holding hands, we walked back to class where they got in line for recess. I hugged her and kissed her goodbye. “Have fun.” I said. She waved goodbye and made her way to the recess door.

I looked at my watch. I had been with her for just under 30 minutes. It felt like five. I wish I could ask you if it gets any easier.

I imagine you saying “There will come a time when she is a teenager when you will be happy when she leaves the room, but up until that moment, no.”

Love Mike

Dear Mom I’m a single dad

Dear Mom I’m a single dad,

I didn’t expect to be single ever again. Remember how you said a relationship will only work if both people feel equally lucky to have the other around? Those are words to live by. It has always worked for me in the past. When I met Diane I was sure this one would last forever. At first I thought I was the rebound guy. She had a messy divorce, as if there is another kind, and I was just what she needed to get through this trying time. But as time went by we grew closer together and it seemed as if it would last forever. I felt very lucky to have her around and she told me the same every day. She had two kids from a previous marriage they were great. I thought they were a little damaged from an overbearing father that seemed to be a little too much of a disciplinarian and perhaps a little passive aggressive at times so they never knew where the line was, but they were darling and so wonderful to be around. Her mother came to visit and eventually just stay. She was not the ideal mother-in-law, she did not have a driver’s license, Diane did not trust her to baby-sit and she was kind of messy, but she had a warm heart and was really never any trouble.

You taught me that divorced mothers were a package deal. I knew all too well what happened if I did not realize everyone of those girls was part of the package. I fell in love with all of them.

On our wedding day she professed how I was the finest man she had ever met. I am sure, not in small part to the fine job you did raising me. It was a great speech, straight from the heart and not a dry eye in the house. I had written this well prepared poetic vow that under normal circumstances would have stolen the show, but it was completely one-upped by her testimony of love. I felt so lucky.

She had kids that were almost teenagers and I was sure she did not want anymore. I never thought for a moment that wasn’t part of the deal. I cannot tell you how excited I was when she announced she thought we could have a baby. We had talked about it, but I never expected her to take this step. She was always talking about retirement, vacations, walking around the house naked, I never thought another kid was on her mind.

We had this perfect plan, we would have the baby at the beginning of Summer break. That way she could have two to three months with the baby before she had to start class again and it would be in front of campaign season for me. We mapped out the calendar and aimed for the first week in June. Usually you would expect this to be a recipe for disaster. Wouldn’t you know it Claire was born June 5th.

There were nights lying in bed with the baby falling asleep on my chest and my wife on my arm where I knew this was what happiness looked like. I could not imagine a more perfect feeling. I could not fathom that there was any endeavor in all the world that would be more rewarding.

A year later she was gone and I was a single dad. At first she just walked out. Claire and I were basically on our own. A few months later she would drop by most evenings for an hour or so with Claire but usually as she was going to bed. I was walking on eggshells most of the time. I did not like the situation but I did not want a terrible custody fight and I surely did not want a terrible custody fight that ended with me seeing Claire every other weekend. So I endured. Our arrangement was working but she filed completely different papers and we had a terrible custody battle.

In the end, Claire lived with me. It was such a victory. I remember thinking it was cooler than winning an election. Now Claire sees her mom every other weekend and I am a single dad.

Everyday something happens and I think “I bet my mother would know something about this.” I often find myself in a situation and I wonder what you would have done. You never take time to prepare yourself for things like this. You prepare for a house with a picket fence then you look forward to a time when it is there.

Often when Claire and I are doing something distinctly father and daughterly I wonder if you ever imagined I would need to be prepared for this. How could you have had such vision?

I don’t worry about being a single dad anymore. But occasionally I fear where my life would be if I wasn’t. Thanks Mom.

Love Mike

Dear Mom happy birthday,

Dear Mom happy birthday,

So, much is going on these days I hardly ever get a chance to tell you about it. Claire started school last week. She was looking forward to it all summer. On June 5^th when she turned five she started asking when she started kindergarten. It was very difficult to explain to her that it was not till Summer was over. It had to be the longest Summer of her life, every day she would ask, “Is the Summer over yet?” This morning on her 6^th day of school she asked, “Do I have to go?” I smiled and reminded her it was show and tell day and she had to show everyone her yellow fingernail polish.

Oh, they are going over colors this week and next, so every day is a different color. To celebrate this we are accessorizing our outfits. Each afternoon we are taking off the old fingernail polish and putting on the new color for the next day. Wednesday is yellow, hence the yellow fingernail polish. It took me a week to find 9 different colors of fingernail polish, you would think someone would have thought of this. Finding 9 different colors of ribbons and barrettes were easier but still took several places to get the right shades.

Remember how you used to always try to get me to help you weed the garden. Well Claire loves to. In fact it is usually her encouraging words that keep it weeded. We will walk the dog and she will say, “Daddy, we should weed the garden, … PLEASE!!!” And so the flowers stay relatively well weeded. I keep thinking that if I keep this up she will have a nice flower garden when she grows up, I imagine you were thinking the same thing at one time.

She is growing up so fast and there is so much I wish you were here for. Every night we read a book and sing three songs. It always ends with: night night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, see you in the morning, I love you, sweet dreams. Sound familiar? It is funny how there are some things you never forget.

There are so many moments like this that are replaying my childhood. I wish you were here to talk about it. I try to find others to explain it to, but you know, they weren’t there.

Every morning when I drop her off at school I walk with her a little less of the distance to her class. Today I stopped in the middle of the hall just where I started to see her classroom door. She has been noticing me stopping and now glances over her shoulder a lot, so after 8 steps or so she stopped. Looked at me, looked at the door, looked at me, looked at the door, then ran back to me with her arms wide. I was on a knee by the time she hit me. She gave me a big hug and a kiss and said “I love you Daddy.” Then turned and skipped off to her class. My heart just melted as she went in the door.

Since you left, I light a candle for you every year on your birthday. I will try not to wait so long before I write next time.

Love Mike